Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Another Long Pause

Oct. 2007
It's Been Awhile since I have written.

Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kipper have come and went.

Along with the first time I was called to the Torah.

Oh! How I studied for weeks for those few precious moments.

I'd been quite bad about not writing.

I guess it is my way of denying the truth. If I didn't journal, then this whole thing isn't real; Mark isn't on his way to Iraq, but out looking for a job, even as I type this, tutoring science until a teaching job opens.
But it isn't true. Mark is indeed in Kuwait, not at the dinning room table seeking the want-ads or trying to sneak a freshly baked cookie off a plate. He will indeed leave for Iraq in a few weeks, not for a tutoring session.

He will not be home for Shabbat.

The first several weeks after Mark left in September, I spend in bed. For two weeks i just stayed in bed. Not eating, just sleeping.

Not caring.

But I couldn't keep this up.

Mark needs me. He needs me to be strong. To know that I am praying for him. That I am OK. He does not need me to fall apart.

Not now.
I am finally able to sleep without the radio. But I still have to have a hot cup of tea and a warm shower to relax. My days are busy; cleaning the house or on some project. But they are still lonely.
The things I do for my country....
*Father, I need you now more than ever. I need your strengh to make it through*

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